How to Date a Feminist (NHB Modern Plays) by Samantha Ellis

Author:Samantha Ellis
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: epub, ebook, QuarkXPress
ISBN: 111-1-11-111111-1
Publisher: Nick Hern Books

Scene Four

It is later that evening; music drifts through from the wedding party, just offstage. A meadow covered with wildflowers: Greenham Common. JOE enters. He is about to drink some whisky when MORAG enters.

JOE. Whisky?

MORAG. Always.

He pours her an enormous shot.

JOE. L’chaim.

MORAG. You’re a long time dead.

They drink.

JOE. No one’s dancing!

MORAG. Steve did the first dance. He’s shown willing.

JOE. One dance? This is supposed to be a party.

MORAG. He doesn’t like dancing.

JOE. Everyone likes dancing.

MORAG. Not my son.

JOE. Do you like dancing?

MORAG. Yes.

JOE. You see?

MORAG (laughs). Fill me up.

He pours.

JOE. Those speeches!

MORAG. Yes!

JOE. So serious! Who died?

MORAG. So long.

JOE. Why talk about forced marriage? It makes us look bad.

MORAG. Yes and I feel as strongly about genetically modified corn as the next woman but there are times and places.

JOE. They should have let me make a speech. I even had a joke. Do you want to hear it?

MORAG. Go on.

JOE. ‘This is such an emotional wedding. Even the cake’s in tiers.’ Huh?

MORAG. Don’t give up the day job. What is your day job again?

JOE. Import export.

MORAG. Are you an arms dealer?

JOE. No! I do novelty telephones. Duck phones, frog phones, teddy-bear phones… ducks are our biggest seller. The British are obsessed by ducks.

MORAG. Really?

JOE. We’ve got three duck phones – Quacky One, Quacky Two and Quacky Three. One’s a girl duck, one’s a boy duck and the other’s a, you know, the grey ones; what do you call them?

MORAG (laughs). Canada goose!

JOE. Canada goose. People also like the hamburger phone. But in my opinion, it’s not very comfortable. The gherkins get stuck in your ears.

They look back towards the wedding.

MORAG. Has that rabbi got food in his beard?

JOE. What do you want? It’s not easy to get a rabbi to bless a goy who hasn’t had the snip.

MORAG. Did you actually just call it ‘the snip’?

JOE. I’m happy Steve let a rabbi do the blessing. He did a nice job.

MORAG. He did.

JOE. I don’t know what happened with the glass. It usually breaks just like that.

MORAG. I think it was the napkin. It was too thick. It did smash; you just couldn’t hear it.

JOE. I never saw a groom have a problem before. It’s not even a glass, you know, it’s a lightbulb. It should be easy. Just put your foot down and bang. They say it’s the last time the man gets to put his foot down.

MORAG. That isn’t seriously the tradition? Steve didn’t just –

JOE. No, no. It’s a joke. It’s to show the fragility of life. We don’t know what will happen. Even when we are happy there is pain. And… I have a stone in my shoe. Take that a second… (Hands her the whisky, and gets the stone out of the shoe.) Oof, that’s better. Thank you. (Takes back the whisky.) Who gets married outside? I haven’t slept in a tent since the refugee camp. When we got our flat in Tel Aviv,

I made a resolution I would always have a floor. A man should have a floor.

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